“I stand here before you as a lame duck president.  There’s a very good likelihood that I won’t be reelected.  I’m a pragmatist and the numbers don’t lie”

So on Tuesday night I watched President O-Blah-ma give his State of The Union address.  Why?  I’m a political junkie and I’ve always been fascinated by American politics.  In Canada we only really pay attention during an election campaign.  In the US, politics is a blood sport.  The US Presidential election cycle is all day, every day.  If you watch Fox News, CNN or god forbid MSNBC, it’s all about politics, all the time.  Watching the news from the US is like watching The Young and the Restless.  I can change my viewing habits, come back a month later, and nothing’s changed.  There’s comfort in that.  Just like the comfort people get seeing what Victor Newman is up too on the Young and Restless.  Hey, I know my Y & R, I went to university.  I remember when Victor locked his wife Julie in the basement.  That’s going back some years.  I digress, back to the soap opera known as US politics.  President O-Blah-ma rode into the White House on a platform of Hope and Change, and Yes We Can.  Regrettably not much has changed, and it’s the same old – same old.  That to me is really disappointing.  I wanted him to do well.  I wanted him to lead.  The eyes of the world were on when he got elected, and people were prepared to give him a longer honeymoon period because his election was history in the making.  History will judge the Presidents effectiveness, and if something doesn’t change soon history may not be kind to him.  So as I watched him give his speech I couldn’t  help but think this is “dead man talking”.  Even as an incumbent he’s got a hell of a fight in front of him.  He’s very aware of the poll numbers, and knows he’s going to be judged based on where the US economy is this November.  There’s a very good likelihood this was his last State of The Union address, and he knows it.  As I watched the State of The Union address, I wondered what his speech would sound like if he was completely convinced that he wasn’t going to get reelected, and he just didn’t care anymore.

“Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:

I stand here before you as a lame duck president.  There’s a very good likelihood that I won’t be reelected.  I’m a pragmatist and the numbers don’t lie.  Given that I’m setting aside my prepared speech, and shockingly to most of you, I’m turning off the teleprompter.  This is going to be an off -the -cuff conversation.  Trust me, this will be short and sweet.

Mr. Speaker, it’s nice to see you.  I’m a little surprised not to see you crying.  Every time I see you on the news you’re bawling your eyes out.  Nice to see you holding it together.  By the way, when I give my speech try not to plunge the knife to deeply in my back. Cool?

Mr. Vice President, my man JB.  I almost didn’t recognize you without your foot in your mouth.  You’ve caused me a lot of grief so this one time I’m asking you not to say or do something stupid.  We both know Hillary is trying get you removed from the ticket, and if I need a miracle to get reelected, I’ll dump your sorry ass.  Stay on script and no improvising.  Understood?  No, don’t answer yes, just nod.  Excellent!

To the Republican members of congress, let’s be totally honest, I don’t like you and you don’t like me.  As a matter of fact I think you’re all morons.  You spend half the day thumping your bibles, and the other half caressing your guns.  You go on add nauseaum about the national debt.  You call me the food stamp president.  You say government is too big.  Are you daft?  Big government means there’s a gig for all of us for a long time.  We benefit financially, and here’s the beautiful part, it’s not our money.  If you can’t grasp a concept that simple how can we possibly con the voters?   Do me a favour, put your banjos down for a few moments and start thinking these things through.  By the way, whatever legislation you send to my office this year to be signed off on, it ain’t happening.  Besides, knowing you idiots it will probably be written on the back of a KFC napkin.

To my Democratic members of Congress, are you kidding me?  I completely wasted the first three years of my administration to pursue your pet projects, and you’re crying out for more?  This economy was in the tank when I came into office, and that should have been job one for me.  But nooooooo, I wasted the first 14 months in office on the health care bill.  It’s what you wanted, not the voters.   I put ideology over necessity, and then you have the temerity not to give me unanimous support during the health care vote?.  I’ve created class warfare.  I’ve convinced a lot of people there should be a redistribution of wealth.  We take from those who have, and give it to those that don’t have.  Be it the downtrodden, the clueless or the lazy ass.  You intellectually incompetent sycophants.  We’re buying future votes, and some of you want to side with the other guys?  Listen, when you get voted out of office…and you start cashing that obscene government pension cheque…write me a thank you note ever month that simply says…Dear Messiah, thank you.

To the rest world, I’ll begin with China.  For the next 12 months I’ll be talking about trade imbalance, currency manipulation and piracy of intellectual properties.  We both know we’re bought and paid for so cut me some slack.  It’s just lip service.   Keep the cheques coming.

To Canada, enough already with the Keystone Pipeline.  We both know it’s the right thing to do, and that it would create thousands of jobs in both countries.  But I’m not going to take on the environmental whackos during a campaign.  So chill, it will get done in 2013.

To the Arab world…don’t mess with me.  Yes, I went on the apology tour when I first came into office.  But let me remind you that I capped Osama Bin Laden’s ass.  I gave the order.  I ‘ve also signed off on more terrorist executions than the cowboy who used to sit my chair.  I’ve got drones with missiles attached to them and I’m not afraid to use them.  And if you really push me…I’ll take the leash off Israel.

Finally, to my fellow Americans watching on TV, you got what you voted for.  I was only in the Senate for 3 years.  I had no work experience other than being a community organizer.  You wanted a Washington outsider, and you got one.  Now you want to complain?  You want to vote me out?  Come on,  this has been on the job training, and now I know how this place runs.  So I’m asking you to give me another four years.  As much as you don’t like me, do you really want the other guy to have his finger on the button?

Look, we all know I’m the smartest guy in the room.  It’s difficult for me to dumb it down so that you can  all understand what the issues are, and more importantly what’s best for you.  I know what’s best for me right now.  I just noticed my beautiful wife sitting in the balcony.  Hey baby, you look fine in that blue dress.    Let’s get out of here and go back to our crib.  Daddy needs a distraction.

Peace out everyone…oh yeah…and may God bless the United States of America.  Blah, blah, blah”

Until next time

Cheers