Come on, who among us hasn’t imagined being a King, Queen, dictator, despot or Vladimir Putin for just one day? Oh, the wrongs that you would right when you’re in that frame of mind. I like to play this game when I’m angered, annoyed, frustrated or just plain grumpy. Funny, when you want to go all Vladimir Putin on someone it’s rarely for good. I don’t ever recall saying to myself, “If I was King for a day I would save all polar bears”. Nah, when I wish to be supreme ruler for a day it usually has to do with retribution and ensuring that whatever just happened doesn’t happen again.

Staying with the roads and transportation idea, I like to play King for a day game when it comes to cyclists. Especially when it comes to cyclists who think they’re surrounded by an electromagnetic field, making them immune from pain when they come into contact with a moving car. I’ve never been hit by a car while riding a bike, but if I was to guess, I think it would hurt. So when I see cyclists who do not respect the rules of the road I say to myself, “Self, if I could be King for a day I would mandate that underground tunnels be built for all cyclists, but they would have to pay for all construction cost”. Once again, I would be a compassionate and an understanding king. No money to pay for it? No worries, here’s a shovel.here’s nothing more madding today than attempting to navigate around Toronto in your car. There isn’t a street which is not being worked on, making driving incredibly frustrating. Now if you’re saying, “It wouldn’t be a problem for you if you took public transit”, you would force me to play the game. If I was King for a day I would make it illegal to utter such statements. People who do so would be punished by having to give people a piggyback ride to work. I would be a kind king – duration of punishment? Only one week.

I like to play the King for a day game when I’m flying. When I see a mom dragging her three screaming kids and enough luggage that barely allows the plane to take off from the excessive weight, I immediately start to squirm on my throne. Without a doubt they will sit in my row or just behind me. Sidebar, if passengers with children get to board first because they need more time, why doesn’t the opposite hold true when it comes to time disembark? Where was I? Oh yeah, children flying. Look, I would be a benevolent king. I wouldn’t make the kids sit in cargo, or ban children less than twelve years from flying… the following conversation with a child would also be frowned upon:

At wits end passenger: Hey Satan…err – I mean…precious child – can you please stop kicking the back of my seat? No eh? Okay, where are you flying too?

Precious Child: Calgary, to see my grandma.

At wits end passenger: Change in plans, kid. Wake your comatose mom up and tell her to text grandma that she’ll have to pick you up in Winnipeg. And when you’re finished doing that, grab your parachute.

In my kingdom there would be no room for sort of conversation, as a matter of fact it would make me very cross – punishable by a firm noogie. Once again, I serve all my loyal subjects. I would mandate that all airlines must provide a handful of children free flights. Go ahead airlines, charge a premium for those flights. Heavy is the crown.

As the game relates to the mortgage industry, I immediately start playing the King for a day game when I read an article in the National Post. A rating agency, Fitch Rating, is calling for further government intervention to cool down the real estate market, because according to Fitch, the Canadian real estate market is 20% overvalued. Who can say with any certainty if they’re right or wrong? It’s an opinion, one we’ve all become accustomed to hearing. So, if I were King for day I would proclaim one day of the year as Canadian Real Estate Apocalypse Day. One day a year all economists, rating agencies and talking heads would head outside – if they see their shadow, six more weeks of bad news; if they don’t see their shadow, shhhhhhhhhh. And I would make Canadian Real Estate Apocalypse Day in July or August when no one is paying any attention. Hope you’re enjoying your summer!

Until next time,

Cheers.

Well, it sure as hell feels like that.  Canadians are known for their climate infatuation, and we spend a great deal of time talking about the weather.  “Is it hot/cold enough for you” etc.  Somehow, some way…it always gets back to the weather.

But this year, even the most pragmatic among us, those people who are always reminding you that extreme weather conditions are a part of living in this country, are spending time trying to book a vacation and escape.  It seems that everyone I talk to is suffering from winter fatigue, and looking for a respite.

I was talking to my travel agent this week and she indicated that she’s swamped.  With every new blast of sub-zero temperatures, with predictions of yet another snow storm, her phone ends up ringing off to hook because people want out.  It will be interesting to see the stats provided by the tourist bureaus in California, Arizona and Florida with respect to Canadians vacationing in their states this year.  Throw in Mexico and the Caribbean, and I would be willing to wager there’s a significant spike this year of Canadians looking for relief in warmer climates. This winter has been been brutal!

It’s March break in Ontario, and like thousands of others, we got out of Dodge for the week and headed to Florida.  Even with all its quirks and peculiarities, Florida is a great place to visit.  Sunshine, warmth, and all the amenities of home. What’s not to like?  Okay, so their beer is nothing more than flavored water, but it’s an easy hardship to put up with. If it comes down to shoveling the driveway, scraping ice of the car windshield, putting on twelve layers of clothing to go out and get a coffee, I’ll gladly inhale another American Coors Light…it’s refreshing and yummy.

Hopefully we’re in the last stages of the winter from hell. That’s a bit of oxymoron. If you’ve had the chance to get away,  good.  If you haven’t, what are you waiting for?  One final note, for all those who live in Ontario, and complain about the heat and humidity in the summer, remember: February is just around the corner.

Until next time

Cheers

I believe, maybe naively, that the vast majority of people conduct their personal and work lives in an ethical manner. Adherence to ethical standards is a byproduct of life experiences, and our ethical standards shape who we are. But even ethical people sometime make decisions that one could construe as being unethical.  So can you be ethical on a selective basis? I don’t know the answer to that question but I came across a demonstration of ethics that made me ask myself if I would have done the same thing.

It happened last weekend, in of all places, Sin City, Las Vegas.  We went to Vegas to catch a few shows and maybe place a wager or two. I’m not a big gambler but if I’m going to Vegas, I’m not going there to visit a museum.  My game of choice is blackjack.  I find poker to be far too cerebral, and you can spend a lot of time at a poker table not doing much.  Craps is fun game, a little difficult to learn at first but if you hear cheering in a casino you usually have to look no further than the crap’s table.  But a close second for fun can be a blackjack table.  Get a good group of people that know how to play, and want to have some fun, throw in a dealer that doesn’t act like he’s playing with his personal money, it can be a very entertaining evening.

That’s exactly the scenario we found ourselves in last Saturday night.  Everyone at the table was having fun, and for the most part winning some money.  It the middle of all the fun one of the players at the table did not collect his winning after a hand. The players that won were laughing and fist bumping each other, but this one player didn’t move.  After the noise died down, he quietly said to the dealer, “you just paid me on a hand that I didn’t win.”  He pushed with the dealer, meaning the player and the dealer both had a 20, and yet the dealer paid him a winning bet of $100. He indicated he couldn’t take the money knowing cameras record every hand. He didn’t want the dealer to suffer the consequences. Well, to say that we were all a little surprised by the player’s insistence that he could not accept the $100 would be a gross understatement.  My thoughts were clouded by the fact that I had just lost five hands in a row. So my first thought was, “buddy, the casino does well enough and it doesn’t need your help.”

A funny thing happened after everyone’s initial reaction; we all started pulling for the guy to win.  Everyone started to ask him questions, I guess to test his authenticity.  We found out he was from Schomberg, Ontario. The Yanks at the table asked me if all us Canadians were that honest. Ah…yeah…sure!  Thanks to copious amounts of Jack Daniels, they serenaded us with a rendition of Oh Canada.   It wasn’t bad, they got most of the words right. I’ll never know for certain if our playing companion from Schomberg is the real deal. Would he return a $10 bill if found it in the back seat of a cab? Would he submit a receipt to CRA as a business expense, when in fact it was for personal use? Did he ever cheat on a test or exam?  I’ll never know for sure. One thing I do know is that he left the table up money. A lot of money.  Maybe there’s a connection.

Until next time

Cheers

It’s the start of the New Year and I can’t wait to get going. I mean really going.  It’s a tad difficult to burst out of the gates when your body is frozen stiff, ultimately numbing the brain.  It has been suggested by some that I suffer from brain “polar vortex” in August.  Clearly the musings of the deranged – I digress.  No denying its bone chillingly cold in many parts Ontario, Quebec, and a large swath of the U.S.  The weather has caused havoc for many in the east, and introduced us to new terminology.

The term “polar vortex” is being used to explain this surprising and brutally cold weather front.  The technical definition aside, I’m fascinated that meteorologists are suggesting that this cold front was surprising.  Interesting, weather fronts come as surprise but we can predict the earth’s temperatures fifty years from now?  Damn, that “polar vortex” sure was a doozy. 

Many in Toronto, including my mom and dad, we’re convinced they were under attack this week because of what sounded like gun fire. Police we’re flooded with calls about this mysterious noise.  Well, chalk up to good old fashioned “cryoseisms”.  Evidently it occurs in extreme cold situations where there’s saturated water, like your rooftop. The ice expands and cracks.  It’s loud and frightening.  It’s kind of like the noise you heard as a kid while walking on a frozen pond.  To be precise it was the noise just before you said “oh, $&@$”.  My poor parents, they woke up to this noise at 3am last week.  They awoke startled and disoriented; for a moment they thought they were at the Eaton Centre.

January 2014 will be remembered for the frost quake.  That’s what they’re calling it, a frost quake.  That’s a new one.  It’s now a term that will be used, at nausea in Ontario, to described really, really cold temperatures. As is typical of the center of the universe, we always come up with term which captures the uniqueness of our experience.  “You think it’s cold where you are?  Well, we had a frost quake”.  There really was no need to create a new term to describe the extreme cold.  My friends in Regina have a perfectly acceptable word for it already, Tuesday.

Until next time,

Cheers.

Dear Santa,

I just want you to know that this is my favorite time of the year.  I know how busy you are because I see you at Christmas parties, at the mall, on T.V., and pretty much everywhere; must be the magic of Christmas.  I don’t want to bother you but I wanted you to know that I have been a very good boy this year.  Oh, some of the other boys and girls in the mortgage industry may not agree, but they’re just poo-poo heads.  Is that a bad word Santa?  If it is…I’m in deep $%&!  Oops, looks like mommy is going to feed me some more Irish Spring for dinner…please don’t fill her stocking with soap this year.  Santa, I’m writing you this letter not for me but to give you some ideas what to get for other boys and girls.  I decided to do this after watching Ellen with my mommy.  She is always giving stuff away on her show, and when she does people are really happy.  All I want this year is for people to be happy…pinky swear!   Here is my list of different gifts you can give for some other boys and girls.

1. Justin Trudeau –  Zig-Zag rolling papers
2. Jim Flaherty – A Monopoly game, he really loves real estate
3. Mayor Rob Ford – Socks, to wear or stuff into his mouth
4. AL Gore & David Suzuki – A Hummer
5. Kathleen Wynne, Premier of Ontario – A subscription to the Toronto Star.  It’s the newspaper that ignored her  in favour of Rob Ford
6. Miley Cyrus – Therapy
7. President Obama – A Pinocchio doll
8. Billy Bob Jackson from Mobile Alabama – A gun…he’s the only American without one
9. Prime Minister Steven Harper – A hockey stick…to beat Mike Duffy with
10. All the mortgage brokers in Canada – A time machine…so we can all go back to 2006

Thank you for reading my letter Santa.  I have a special surprise for you when you come down my chimney.  Instead of milk and cookies, I’m going to leave a snifter full of Courvoisier XO cognac, a plate full of thinly sliced prosciutto and a Rocky Patel #5 cigar. I figured you might like that – given the odor when I sat on your lap to get my picture taken at the mall last week.

Until next time

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah